Restorative.

"Breathe in what you need. Exhale what you need to let go of." This was my yoga teacher's mantra. The first time she said it my head went into a whirlwind of all the things I don't need. I got lost in processing what my life would be like without all the hard pieces of it. I was brought back to center by the first half, "Breathe in what you need." What a peaceful and conceptually easy thought; to just exhale and leave behind the negative. This is a beautiful image, to be prancing along without a worry in your mind. To go minute by minute knowing that absolutely everything is going to be OK. As an adult, I know that life will continue to throw things my way that I despise. Situations that test me to lengths I didn’t know existed within myself. It has taken me years to figure out that my pain has been so chaotically organized.

It has taken me years to learn how to recognize the chaos as it is happening (I still don't always see it) and to start unwrapping it as it exits in me; not decades after. What happens is I/we sit with our middle aged selves and start unwrapping our trauma from our early days. At the same time, we are unwrapping trauma from our adult lives. Yes, adults live through trauma too. We don’t hit 18 and all of a sudden the world goes right, we hit 18 and now we become responsible for the world's wrongs. I should clarify that kids in severe trauma are responsible for the wrongs from the day they were born. They grow up figuring how to right wrongs that have nothing to do with who they are or any actions they have taken. Through all that fighting there is little time to learn life skills that will enhance their future.

Right now I am sitting on my tiny patio, which I over filled with furniture, flower pots, one pepper and on sweet bean plant. This is the only way I get to garden in my 4 story 'high-rise' outside of Minneapolis. I miss my gardens more than anything, it is so gratifying to me to be able to make bouquets out of my flower beds or dinner from my veggie beds. It's gratifying to me to know that my humans can learn to harvest beautiful things on their own. In current state I don't have any humans I am 'responsible' for. Come Wednesday it will be 10 weeks with no humans living with me. That doesn't stop me from being a part of their lives. My eldest, Blue and I get together at least once a week, my favorite day of the week is when she comes to spend the night. We get to catch up on drama, watch our favorite show, Vampire Diaries, and I get to cook real meals. I don't tend to cook for myself, I get stuck with fried egg sandwiches, popcorn or toast with peanut butter and bananas most of the time. In the two months I have been without full time humans I've taken exactly one of those weekends to myself. It's crazy to think that my goal this summer was to debrief, relax, process and exist solely for me. Ha. What a brilliant idea that I should have known would never come to fruition. What this summer has done is remind me that I am not built to be silent. I'm not built to stand by when there is something I could be doing to help someone or something. I feel good when I give, I feel strong when I am able to take care of others, I feel proud when my life is greater than my own.

To prepare myself for what’s next I have been busy dreaming. Dreaming about being on my hobby farm with horses, pigs, goats, chickens and kids galore running around smiling and healing. While that is a great picture, realistically I know hard days are ahead. I don’t even know how to take care of large animals; cat’s and rescue dogs? Give them to me! In the past couple weeks I decided to start horseback riding lessons. These creatures are so beautiful and so big. My first lesson at Woodloch Stable was pretty comical. I’m short and fairly stout so I need a pretty large horse to carry me which means I was partnered with a 15.5 foot tall, orange colored horse named Nash. Nash is one of the older horses at Woodloch, is pretty calm and knows the drills. I was by far the oldest person in the class, the next closest age was probably 15 or 16 years old. Ha! Woodloch takes you through the entire process meaning, you walk out to the pasture to get your horse, brush them, pick their hooves, gather and put on the saddle and harness thingy, walk them to the riding area and get on. I needed a step stool to get on Nash and I barely made it over him the first time. My teacher is great, calm and very knowledgeable about horses and riding. She got Nash and I up to a trot on the first night. When he started moving faster I yelled out “Oh my god” and the younger students all laughed at me. At one point I hear my teacher say “Keep your feet down” and when I looked down I realized both of my feet were shooting straight out to the side. It was very funny. At the end of the lesson all the other students were off their horses and walking back into the barn. I looked around and shouted to my teach “How do I get off this thing?” Another round of laughter from my younger peers, haha! At the end of the lesson we undo all the steps to get ready, take off and hang all the riding stuff and walk the horses back out to the pasture. I am so ecstatic to learn more and more about these animals and how to take care of them.

I have a lot to do and am very fortunate to have a sincere group of supporters behind me. More to come on my next adventure but for now I know that my time alone has not gone to waste – it has taken my past three years of experience and restored faith in my mission to help our youth.