Choices.
Being an adult sucks sometimes. There are days when I wish I did not have to be the decision maker and that the world would miraculously work it out for me and my humans. I know any living human being has felt this way at some point in their life. For most of the population, we take for granted how easy our daily choices are such as making the bed, deciding what pair of pants to wear, drive, walk or bike, commit or reschedule, make dinner or eat out. For most of us, these kinds of choices are straightforward and generally not life changing. Without even realizing it, we are making hundreds of choices everyday. Fortunately, we aren't put into life or death choices on a daily basis and for some, these kinds of situations may never come. We get to decide if or when we need to go to the doctor, we get to decide what kind of car we will buy, we get to decide what college we will attend. We get to decide about all these amazing, life changing moments, because we are given the opportunity to have a choice.
Imagine being a homeless kid (or adult) out in the world. Imagine being physically forced out of your home by your parents or what can seem to feel even worse, the state. Imagine yourself leaving your home, right now, with nothing. Literally, nothing but the clothes on your back. Now imagine you are 13 years old. Right now, in this second, your choices are all about survival. I've mentioned this before but as a fierce reminder, there are over 3,000 homeless youth in the Twin Cities every night. There are over 6,000 homeless youth in MN. The most shocking number of all? There are over 1 million yes, I said million, kids who experience homelessness every year just in the United States. Think of this on a global scale, homelessness is an epidemic that needs to end.
Before you go assuming that these kids have had the choice to behave better, follow rules, do their chores and homework; while that may be true for a small population, the reality is much graver. Our children are put into situations of learning how to survive. PS, their brains are not developed enough to even fully comprehend emotions, least of all impacts of their choices. Now these underdeveloped kids have to choose. They have to choose where they will sleep, how to get food, transportation, how to clean themselves. Do you see the problem here? When our kids are given choices that they don't have the mental capacity to endure, we see the involvement and collision with gangs, prostitution, incarceration or drug rings. Then guess what happens? Yep, those kids, they grow up, have babies and the vicious cycle continues.
My two eldest humans were both flight and fight risks. They both flew from me (more than once) and have endured more physical altercations than I care to hear about. As a foster parent, I am their outlet - not when they're angry, waving the middle finger at me telling me what a bitch I am (that's all my middle human). It comes out randomly on a car drive and it comes out with a laugh. These kids need to gauge whether or not the family they are with would condone violence. I remember a story where one of my humans said, while laughing "and then my mom came around the corner and shoved my head into the wall. It was so funny." Followed by "Don't you think that's funny?" One of the most common statements I've heard in my home is "Only my mom is allowed to hit me."
No, sweetheart, I do not think that’s funny and actually no one is allowed to put their hands on you. Not even your mom. Usually their laughing fades and turns into more of a cautious relief like, is she serious. So I continue to say that no matter how angry I am, I will never put my hands on you and no one is ever allowed to touch you in a way that makes you feel unsafe, icky or sad. No One. I may be so mad that I scream and yell, slam doors like I’m one of the kids, go for a walk, give myself some quiet time or sob like a baby but in no scenario would I ever put my hands on you. It’s not funny and not one person has the right to do with your body what they chose. Only you have that right and what happens to your body is your choice.
Imagine once again you are that teen, who just got viciously abused by a parent. What do you think your choices are? Stand there and take it? Fight back? Leave the house until you know your parents have cooled off? Leave the house indefinitely? Yes, our kids have choices but in situations like this (that lead to foster care or worse) all of their choices, in every single one of them, they lose on the other end. Sorry champ, you lost, again.
‘Better luck next time. Love always, every single person in the entire fucking world.’
Imagine getting that response to your life since the day you were born. Over 1 million kids are getting that response. A response that leaves them with a choice-less decision: Do I want to live? Or do I want to Survive? When my humans decide to run I am beyond scared for them. Not necessarily scared that they won't find somewhere to sleep, something to eat, etc. More scared of the fact that I don't know what kind of decisions they are going to make when they are in their flight of anger. I'm more scared of their inability to mentally comprehend and therefore will find their food and beds in places that are unsafe. Will they eat? Yes. Will they sleep? Yes. These kids are resourceful because they've had no other choice but to be in their short lives. When my humans return home, I usually don't ask about where they have been. Honestly, I don't want to know.
"Choices we are given. Even if there is no choice at all." Dixie Chicks
So, as you're reading this and your worry of daily choices rounded out to be something like: sending an aggressive work email, getting a flat tire, choosing between ice cream or custard, taking a hot shower or bath, going to bed early or staying up all night, sleeping with the fan on or off, loving your life or hating it; did you have to decide whether or not you were going to live today? Probably not. Guess what, you're one of the lucky ones. You’re an adult; you have control over your life. Don't take that for granted.
A couple weekends ago I was able to attend MN Pride Festival in Minneapolis. I learned about two incredible organizations in our community. If you are eager to help and could host a homeless youth for short term, check out https://avenuesforyouth.org/. If you are an adult who supports, loves and cherishes the human right to make choices about who we are, you love our LGBTQ youth and have love to share, check out http://www.freemomhugs.org/ over half of our homeless youth identifies as LGBTQ youth.
We need to advocate not only for our youth but for our parents as well. One of my favorite quotes from Utopia (I’ve never read, heard it in a movie) is “we make thieves and then punish them.” Our parents need help. Our parents abusing our kids are the parents who were abused as kids. They literally don’t know anything else. If you’re willing to be a parent mentor or even educate yourself about the people that make you feel angry, check out https://www.pcamn.org/ at some point in your life, someone advocated for you when they probably shouldn’t have. It’s time to return the favor.
Below are some other organizations you can get involved with to help our kids who have no choice; except to survive another day.
https://www.bridgeforyouth.org/
https://www.cctwincities.org/hopestreet/
https://www.lssmn.org/services/youth-homelessness/twin-cities
https://www.benefits.gov/benefit/619