Redemption.

So a couple weeks ago I snapped. If you haven't read that story you should catch up here. Needless to say. it was a long few days after that. My youngest human had a visit home and was gone all weekend. I have respite from my middle human thanks to my sister Sarah on Saturday night and my Mom and Spike on Sunday (there was no school Monday). It was just me and my eldest human at home and she was working all weekend. That gave me ample time to try and decide what to do about the overall situation that happened Thursday night with my middle human, her verbally aggressive and threatening behavior. By processing I mean I basically cried for 48 hours straight, already knowing what my answer needed to be.

Once everyone was home Monday afternoon we sat to have a family meeting. A meeting I was sure my middle human would leave and that I would never see her again. My anxiety was sky high but fortunately I had no more tears to cry, so I was able to hold it together, the way a parent is supposed to do. I know, so far this doesn't seem like a redeeming story; it will come.

As we sat down at the dining table, the mood was somber. The kids knew something was about to happen, I mean why else are there family meetings? I started out by apologizing, again, for my part in the issues that happened that Thursday. I went into my frustrations of the overall behavior the past few weeks and the bubbling tension that exploded Thursday. I'm not going to talk about what was said or happened, for my human’s sake, that's their story to tell. But, it wasn't fun and resulted in the following conversation.

I had to tell my girls that I was sad. That I was mad. That I was in a place I did not want to feel like but this is where we are and that they are going to hear some really hard things. I recapped behaviors then recapped the behaviors that are absolutely unacceptable in my home. Behaviors that have been given past warnings and have only escalated. I told the table that my middle human's social worker will be putting a request for new placement for her. That was the part I though she would get up and leave. Find her old way of escaping, again, and never return. Be on the run again for the next 12 months like she was before she came to me. Can you imagine being on the run at 12 years old? When I clarified with her that meant she was homeless, she looked at me like I was crazy "I wasn't homeless, I was sleeping places."

Anyway, she stayed. She sat. She listened. She looked at me and I asked her if she understood what I'd just said, that her social worker will be looking for a new home and that it may take up to 45 days. That if an outburst like the one that happened or she left again it would be her last time doing that here. There's no running in my  house, that's a boundary of mine and one that had been broken several times already, so I guess you can call it a soft boundary. That the two youngest were no longer allowed alone together, no longer allowed to share a room, the house was on lockdown, basically. She sat and listened to all of that and at the end said "thank you for the feedback."

The next day my middle human was suspended for her behavior the past week at school and my mom was kind enough to come sit with her during the day so I could be present at my new job that I was only one week into. Tuesday night, Minneapolis cancelled school on Wednesday due to the 8-10" of snow we were supposed to get. I had to work from home and since the kids can't be alone, they worked on homework while I worked. We shoveled and snow plowed for a chunk of the afternoon then had some quiet time. Quiet time is mostly for me, no one is allowed to talk to, bother me or anyone else in the house. It's our time to recoup, reset, get ready for whatever is left of the day. It takes all of me to be a foster mom. It's a lot and teens are hard, emotional, pubescent and these kids are traumatized. So, to support them the best I can on days when we are together all day, I need time away from them and they need time away from me.

I was in my room reading and snoozing during this time when I see one piece of paper fly under my door, followed by another one. I could tell it was my middle human's handwriting and I could hear the girls giggling and running around. My initial reaction was going to be, "Be quiet" but I took a deep breath and got my lazy butt out of bed to read these signs. I picked them up, in the order they came in, my eyes started to water, I backed up to sit on my bed.

I exhaled and stood up, cracked open my door to see two more signs taped onto the door in the hallway. When the girls heard me open my door they screamed "Please, Kellie, Please let us do this for you!" I responded, OK! I sat back on my bed, waiting for my time to be summoned into the dining room. I kept my door open so I could hear them chatter, telling one another what to do and putting together what I assumed to be a meal. They were giggling and singing, setting the table, doing dishes. I could not wait to see what they were doing.

I was beckoned into the dining room. Before me was a set table, one of my favorite meals, buttered noodles (one of the first things I taught my middle human to make), a fruit bowl with the Fruit Dip and toast.

I was pleased, I was happy, I was speechless, I felt...redeemed. My kids, though troubled and misbehaving, had every reason to be mad at me, too. We all had a piece in the drama the past few days and the outcome that came because of it. We all could have done things differently with one another but we are where we are. I felt redeemed because my middle human was still here, she hasn't left yet. Redeemed because though we are all still sensitive and upset we can sit and enjoy one another's company. Redeemed because my two youngest humans have shown empathy towards me. Most adults don't know how to manage that emotion. Redeemed to think I was a part of that learning for them (the good and the bad).

As I write this, 10 days after the main event, my middle human is braiding my hair and my youngest is sitting and reading to us. There is a fire in the fireplace and my best pal, Breck, at my feet. I felt redeemed because they still loved me, we still need each other even through hard decisions and knowing that even harder days are yet to come. I felt redeemed to know that maybe, just maybe, I can actually do this.