Snapped.
This week I snapped. I cried, screamed and yelled at my two youngest humans the way I'd always told myself I would NEVER ever do to my kids. There had been weeks of warnings, new goals, different paths, everything I could think of to get them to listen and try to start making positive decisions with one another versus the negative behaviors that had been occurring.
It is really difficult to decipher behaviors with foster kiddos. They have so many reasons to act out:
Push you and your family away
Prove they are 'bad' kids
Keep their wall of steel from melting
Finally feeling safe and now they need chaos to bring them back to their norm
Triggers…Triggers…Triggers
Puberty
Trauma
Loss
Just being a kid - they get to do this too!
You get the point. Those are just a few - the list goes on and on. So when harboring these youth with so much pain inside them, it is important to try and understand the push behind the behaviors. In doing so, ideally, you can bring forth a solution that makes sense.
For example, one day when my middle human came home from school, clearly upset having been in three hiccups during the day, I let her cool down upstairs before allowing her to talk to me. Asking her to tell me everything when she's so upset is just flat out mean of me and will not have a positive impact. After talking with her there was an obvious trigger for her that day, it was parent teacher conferences. We sat in my room on the bed to talk when she was ready, where there are lots of pillows, blankets and of course, Breck is always there for comic relief. After we were done talking she looked up and me and said "Are WE going to MY conferences tonight?". Yes, my darling, we are. She had never been to a school conference let alone with a parent. And to think that a majority of that student population is doing (mildly) well and have parents to join them in all their junior high glory. How awful to feel so left out, abandoned, alone in front of all your peers. Of course she acted out all day. Of course she got mad. Of course she hated the world. I would too. She sat in that conference with me and took in all the good and the bad that her teachers had to say. I've almost never been prouder.
Midweek I had received two calls from school about each of humans, either stealing, swearing or fighting, the list went on. This came after weeks of mitigating other issues at school and home. They got home, the youngest tried lying to me instantly when she got in the door and I. Lost. It. My throat hurt from yelling so hard. My eyes hurt from crying. My heart was sore from hurting. I couldn't take it.
In general, yes I get mad and I yell, but usually I can remove myself from the situation and come back to the issue once I've had time to process it. But in this instance, I just couldn't do that. I was watching myself from above, trying to say, get back and calm down but I ignored my conscience and kept on. I told the girls to get upstairs and that I didn't want to see them for the rest of the night. I'm such a jerk. Their eyes were wide, shocked, probably scared as they sleuthed by me to go upstairs.
In general, yes I get mad and I yell, but usually I can remove myself from the situation and come back to the issue once I've had time to process it. But in this instance, I just couldn't do that. I was watching myself from above, trying to say, get back and calm down but I ignored my conscience and kept on. I told the girls to get upstairs and that I didn't want to see them for the rest of the night. I'm such a jerk. Their eyes were wide, shocked and probably scared as they slothed by me to go upstairs.
That night my middle human left, again, but this time she packed a bag. I wasn't sure if I was going to see her again. My youngest was upstairs crying and drawing when I went up to apologize. I went into her room and said "there's no version of any universe where I should talk to you like that and I am so sorry." We sat and talked about what happened, that she was still in trouble, and that there were going to be major changes here. She said ok and hugged me, we ate dinner and I put her to bed. My eldest human, keeping her strong and quiet presence, letting things play out they way they're supposed to, was downstairs making dinner. She took care of me, so I could take care of them.
I did it. I snapped. I went above and beyond my usual crazy and I let go in a way I never have before. I will never forget the next morning, my middle human came home (who knows where she'd been) and my youngest got up, hugged me and loved me like normal. It's amazing how resilient these kids are. Particularly when they're in a place that's supposed to be safe, that they have to use that resilience that they've learned here in their lives here, too.
I have an actual license to parent and I have to take continuing education to keep that license. I have so much information about kids in trauma and what to do in certain situations. What I learned from this day is that with all of that knowledge, I'm not exempt from bad days, I'm not exempt from imperfect parenting. I learned that I need to be able to forgive myself the way my humans do when I make mistakes. The same way I forgive them when they make mistakes. I mean, that's the way it's supposed to work, right? We forgive one another as often and as thoroughly as we can.
As the adult it is important for my humans to see that when I am wrong and make mistakes, that I will apologize. Being an adult does not make us exempt from behaving nicely and owning our behaviors. As adults, mentoring and raising our youth we must lead by example. Sometimes those examples may be particularly bad ones and now they know what not to do. I snapped, we survived and the world is okay.