Hold.

We hold onto so many things as we go through life. We hold onto love, heartbreak, friendships, trauma's and uncertainties. We hold onto pieces of our past that can haunt us into adulthood - haunt us until we leave this earth.

Several weeks ago I wrote in my journal about a long drive home from a weekend of confused feelings of hope that "I couldn’t tell if I was crying because I knew my heart was about to break or if it was because I knew I'd found my home." I know I am not the only one who battles with Jackal and Hyde in their brain. I am constantly fighting over which version of my life is going to win. It's these personalities in the aftermath of despair that play the same tricks on us; was I wrong, was I right? Was I really fooled, again? Am I so much of a believer that I can be had so easily? I sucker punch myself over and over in my weakest spots until I am black and blue; still left with unanswered questions and feelings.

These are questions and feelings we have been left with in the past, often by the same people. People who you think, by now, will have your back, accept you for who you are, stand up for your sense of self. Loyalty isn’t something that comes and goes – it holds strong through and through. Heartbreak is devastating when we are leading ourselves to believe that people who have proved us wrong before, are ready to be there for us now. But, they aren’t and chances are they never will be. I say this knowing that people get to be forgiven – they get to have second chances. I’ve had way more than my fair share of second, third, fourth chances. It’s what we do as humans – we hold on hope that things will be different the second time around.

My heart carries a lot of pain; most of it isn’t even mine. The life I lead holds the hurt of others. Their trauma, pain, and secrets because I am given people who need to be healed, loved and accepted. There are few people who do the same for me in return. You know love in its purest form when someone defends your soul even when they are reprimanded for it. You know you have a net when someone holds you up, even when you’re not around, even when you don’t even know you’re falling. Those people are the ones who hold your heart in the safest of places.

I suppose it is also quite beautiful, to have so much hope that we forget the pain and deceitfulness of our past to assume we will have a better experience in our futures. I drown myself with Carly Simon on repeat “I know nothing stays the same but if you’re willing to play the game, it will be coming around again.” And it will, this game that no one understands, continues it’s hold on us. Oddly, I am OK with that because it means I still have hope. If you don’t know this already, I’ll fill you in; the pain people give to you is the same pain that they have received. This game has a hold on humanity because our brains haven’t evolved this far to give up, but to hold on for dear life because our fight is not lost. Our grip will hold strong as we go round and round because that’s what we do as humans. We hold on.