Baby.

In 2018-2019 I was doing IUI treatments trying to conceive a baby along with a ton of medication, doctors visits and expensive sperm. Did you know is costs $250 to ship sperm across the country? Yeah, special stuff there. After 6 months of raging emotional side effects from the medicine, negative pregnancy tests and $15K down the drain, I threw in my white flag. Infertility is a real thing and it is emotionally painful. There is no real way to describe the self-worthlessness I felt in not being able to conceive a baby. Infertility isn't talked about - I feel like there is an embarrassment and shame around the topic and, my friends, there is no shame in it whatsoever. If you know a woman or couple that is having trouble conceiving - let them talk about it (if they want) and give them your support. And by the way, your support can be silently listening and holding their hand. No words need to be said, unless you’re going through this, you do not fully understand. My struggles stemmed widely from my endometriosis diagnosis that I’ve been battling with for years, plus my age.

I had thrown in the towel and succumb to realization that growing a human was not in my deck of cards. It took me a year to feel that weight lift off of my heart. To realize I was not a worthless woman and that I could still give and love.

Wouldn't you know, just at that time of emotional release, I conceived my baby. I wish there was a camera on me when I took my first pee test; I had a mix of hysterical laughing and crying, of not knowing whether this stupid test was correct or not. I'd put it down, walk away, then go back to find that it was still positive. I found myself in my Queen state of mind "Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?"

It's real life folks - I am 14 weeks pregnant. I beat my own odds by letting my heart heal and my guard way down. This pregnancy comes with a lot of why's that I am not sure I will ever have an answer to. I went in for my first screen at week 7 to ensure that I was pregnant and my technician immediately said, "There's your baby" and I lost it. My sister Tessa was with me, holding my hand and crying with me. What a fucking miracle. Me? Are you sure? We watch the heart beating and cry some more. This is real life.

Telling my family and friends has been an excitement all around. The reactions are priceless - most know I have been trying and how wondrous this baby is. Smiles, tears of joy, laughter, encouraging words. Telling my immediate family was the greatest - It was two days before my mom's birthday so I had given her a card at my farm reveal brunch. Little did they know there was so much more on the menu.

The world is so weird and works in surprising ways. I have never been one to sit idol, waiting for things to happen. At my 12 week appointment, my doctor (who I have been seeing for the past 25 years) said to my mom and me "This girl does not give up." To your questions, yes I am still fostering, yes I am still moving forward with the non-profit, yes I can do all these things. I am built to live this way because I am a strong fucking woman who can do anything (expect lift over 25 lbs at the moment). This is my adventure where I adjust, make it work and move forward.

This, my friends, is the real life.

PS: Baby, I love you.