Happiness.

Happiness is an interesting idea. In general, I do not consider myself an overly happy person. Part of that is my constant struggle with depression and anxiety; even without those opportunities in my life I feel I would be just a normal 'middle-of-the-road' person. The number of times I can remember being elated in my life are fairly limited such as, graduating from Carlson School of Management with a Masters in Human Resources and Industrial Relations (whatever that means…haha, just kidding I think it has something to do with people), the day Blue told me I was her real mom, the day I found Bailey, the day my parents told us kids they were getting married, the first time I got to hold all my nieces as newborn, tiny-tiny babies and of course when I completed my training to become a foster mom. I'm sure there's a couple more that I am not thinking of but really, it's not much more than this. These are the times when I have felt complete and utter happiness and those moments came to me with ease. Other moments come close, but I wouldn't call them happiness, I would refer to them more as easy, relief, calmness, fun, proud, expectations of what should be life, or when I am reliving my late teens through my 20's I'd just call that being drunk most the time. There are other moments of happiness I've created in my mind and assume if they ever happen, that I would feel the overwhelming sensation of happiness like falling in love (at least out loud), having a baby and getting married. I don't know if those are happiness boxes I will get to check off in my life. Alas, I have to create other ways to fill my bucket.

When I think about happiness, basic necessities don't come to mind. I am a white, middle class woman - I have everything I need and more. Being able to live, love, work and be who I chose are not things I think about when considering happiness; they are things that just are. Beginning the foster process has opened my heart to a deeper understanding of the gaping holes in our society, blocking human happiness. My daughter Blue, is transgender. She is the most beautiful being I've ever met. As a transgender human, Blue has to defend her happiness. She has to walk through people asking her things like "What do I call you?" "Are you a boy or a girl?" "Do you like boys or girls?" "What does your mom think of who you are?" "Why would you want to be a woman?" "When did you decide to be gay?" The list goes on and on for her and every other LGBTQ, ethnic and non-christian human on the planet. My favorite question that I hear is "When did you know you were gay?" to which I encourage every gay person or LGBTQ advocate to respond with "When did you know you were straight?" Being gay or straight isn't something we know, it's simply who we are and that makes us beautiful.

If someone ever came up to me and asked how my parents felt about who I am I would clock them in the face. Not really, but that's how I would feel. I'm in my mid-thirties and no one has genuinely been concerned about if I've gotten my parents approval about who I am as a person; no one should have to justify what makes them happy. Not one single person on the planet has the right to belittle, question or even disagree with what makes someone else happy. We have a massive problem in our world revolving around human rights. I have hope that generations to come will continue creating and molding a new normal in society for an inclusive future.

This past weekend one of my humans asked me if I would ever date a woman followed quickly by an apology if that question was inappropriate. I strongly believe that questions of sexuality, ethnicity, religion and race should be prevalent in all homes. I wasn’t mad, I was elated that she felt comfortable enough to bring the question to me. My response was something like this “I will be with anyone who is as compassionate towards me as I am towards them. Someone who is willing to give just as much to those outside our doors as we give to ourselves in our home. I will love the one who respects, honors and adores me. Who am I to assume I know what package that person is going to show up in?”

Over the past several years I have been given a deeper understanding of how much it means to different (not through my own eyes). That in order for most humans to feel their true happiness, comes with the innate struggle of familial and societal acceptance. All of this on top of normal life blows we all experience. How unfair is that? People lose their families because of who they have chosen to love. That is insane to me. Teenagers are homeless because they dress like the opposite sex. What is wrong with our society that we allow these things to happen? Happiness should be simple – people should not have to fight for it and defend themselves to keep it. Love is Love people. Get on board.

I don’t have to fight for my happiness, in fact, I get to take medication to ensure that my little things in my brain trigger correctly. My mild happiness is very easy. Often I have found that my knowledge of happiness comes solely through other people’s experiences of it. For example, when I have my foster kids with me (any child, really), it is an amazing feeling to watch them undergo newness with an unseen light. Think of a time when you saw a person experiencing something marvelous for the first time and their overflowing emotion of happiness releases from their body and sinks into yours. What an amazing feeling it is to know happiness through others; that is a gift we should never take for granted. 

It is our responsibility to allow our children to be who they are, without explanation. It is our job as the parent, caretaker, adopter, or adult to move into the future world with grace, love and acceptance. It is our children’s inalienable right to pursue happiness, in whatever form it comes to them and it is our societal duty to encourage, support and love our children as they are. My daughter has to fight every day. She has to fight because she is black. She has to fight because she is gay. She has to fight because of her economic background. She has to fight because of where and how she grew up. She has to fight because she’s transgender. She has to fight, just to be alive, every day. If you’re reading that and thinking wow, I could never live like that; millions of people live like this all over the world. So you can bet your bottom that when my daughter brings someone home, albeit black, white, gay, straight, transgender, construction worker, business person, Jewish or atheist, that I will accept them for who they are because chances are, they are fighting the happiness fight, too. My daughter gets to love who she wants because she fights nail and tooth every second she’s alive for her right to be happy. All that matters to me is being able to witness that happiness emanating from her without conditions from me and without conditions from the world she lives in. When we get to this kind of existence, true and utter happiness will be everywhere.

“That’s all there is. Happiness is amazing. It’s so amazing it doesn’t matter if it’s yours or not.” After Life