5105.

I walked passed a row of the most fragrant lilacs this morning. An entire yard was wrapped with white lilac in bloom, their aroma filling the air. There was a breeze that threw their scent into me and it was so refreshing as I stood there with my eyes closed, inhaling, exhaling. Spring in Minnesota is weird, the past few years we haven't really had a good spring so this moment of being surrounded by life made me feel aware. As I opened my eyes, a Cardinal flew directly in front of me and up onto one of the tree branches and looked at me. There is a Native American belief that when you see a Cardinal, it's someone from your past looking in on you. I wondered, tearfully, who it could be, knowing today was a turning point for me; I had half my belongings moved into a pod still sitting in front of 5105, before being moved to storage for the next year.

You may remember from my post my path to humans when I talk about visiting the Philippines and instantly deciding to start my journey into fostering after witnessing an over abounding amount homeless kids. I left Manila, landed in MN, listed my house and set out for a new life. That new life I was craving started at 5105 in South Minneapolis; it started in chaos and it is ending in chaos. The past 4 years have been a whirl wind of emotions, loss and growth. I feel like I've been skating by on very thin ice. I met with my therapist yesterday and we were talking about leaving the life I created here. She asked how I was feeling and of course it is bittersweet but I am ready for this part of my life to be processed and completed. She asked if I feel any regret about my choice to move, let my current humans go and be alone, again. Alone. A feeling I have struggled with my entire life. I've always been alone in my heart and in love; now I will be even more alone with nothing else to focus on. It's scary to dive into myself when I've been ignoring that part of my life for so long.

Having humans means I have other aspects to work on, build, develop, mend and grow. It means I have other lives that are more important than mine. Now? Now I have to look at me and try to figure out where to start. Am I lost? Am I broken? Am I healed? I am some of all those things, including grateful, lucky, gleeful, strong and loved. My life is not all bad by any means but it has had some hard times that I haven't figured out where to let live yet. I am not a believer in so much processing that we forget or move away from our past. I believe that we process the best we can and then find a place in our bodies where that memory lives. Scars never go away but they do become a piece of our being, our story of overcoming, underdelivering, courage and hope. I stress this with my humans too; we don't need to forget and if a memory comes flooding back to us, it’s ok to feel that memory. It's how we say hello and respectfully put it back in it's resting place that counts.

5105 gave me a place to act on my gift to help others. 5105 led me to recognize that I also need to give to myself. Knowing that I have a lot of processing to do is scary. There have been pieces of my life here that I very, Midwesternly, shoved under the backdoor rug and have been stepping over the past few years. Sometimes I even jump on the rug in hopes it will just flatten out and go away. I find it fascinating that I do the exact opposite of what I coach my humans to do. It's bizarre that we can be so good, healthy, caring and loving for others and at the same time, so bad for ourselves.

5105 gave me memories that I will be figuring out where to put but it also gave me memories that I will cherish:

• Where I became a 'mom'

• Where my humans first came home

• Family dinners

• Playing games by the fire

• Dancing to music

• Baking bread

• Cooking and teaching humans how to cook

• House projects (check out my demo blog)

• Finding Breck

• Coffee on my back deck

• Giving kids the firsts they deserve

• Healing, love and laughter

• Where my eldest entrusted me with the title mom

• My vegetable gardens

• Fresh wild flower bouquets from my garden

• Waking up to the sunshine

• Waking up to the rain

• Napping in my hammock

• Walks and picnics at Minnehaha Falls

5105 has given me moments of reprieve, moments where I thought I would never escape, moments of grace and moments of unforgiving pain. I take all these things with me, they don’t get to stay here and fester for the next family, these moments are mine. I take them so I can continue to learn, grow, prosper, heal and most importantly give these gifts back to the world with a positive impact. It’s with this recognition that I am ready to let 5105 go and start a different chapter where I get to become even stronger.

PS: my youngest just came down with her favorite drawing notebook and said I have a gift for you to hang up at your new apartment. The timing of this note could not have been more perfect. “I hope you find your home but not on 35th.”