Crossroads.

We come to crossroads so often in our lives. Now and again I think about the crossroads I have met. I think about the roads I have taken and how different my life may have been if I went down a different road; a road that was scarier, darker, easier, harder, less challenging. Whatever the crossroads are giving us, they are there: Bold. Confusing. Blinding. It's like life is playing a trick on us over and over. At least for me, every time I get to a place where I have to make a significant life change, I grapple over my choices of the past. I debate with myself about how many decisions I've made thus far that are wrong, how many have been right and how many have been neither; just simply existed to exist; to burn holes into our conscious where a sound night sleep, self love and hope are supposed to be. Instead we fester and haw about what to do and if we are doing it right.

I am at a crossroads right now. A place that feels familiar enough to know that I need to be careful. That same place is where I also feel excitement with no fear of jumping in. It is really difficult to see these paths and to be able to stop and actual recognize where we are at. This time I stopped. I was diving into a routine that would have caused me stress and financial instability. I was in a place where making decisions on my life was becoming really difficult and facing those realities was painful. I had to make a decision I knew I shouldn't have made to help make clear my new path. After I made the choice I felt relief and weight lifting off of me. I also had this incredible feeling of guilt. All of my adult decisions have been made to get me to this point where I can be impactful for youth and other people in need. Why the guilt? I stopped and recognized that I was in a dimension where I was unable to give my best. That this goal I'd been striving for is still just out of my grasp and I am feeling heartbroken over it.

What is this goal you ask? Here is the scene: Me, on acreage in a huge old, beautiful farm house. A barn full of foster farm animals, horses, pigs, goats, donkeys. A chicken coop full of hens and fresh eggs. A vegetable garden full of homegrown tomatoes, cucumbers, herbs, lettuce, peppers and onions. Fresh baked bread and homemade meals. The most important part of this goal are the kids. Foster kids who need a temporary family. If you haven't read my post about what being a Family means, be sure to check it out. In this scene of mine, there is laughter, love, games, chores, honesty and respect.

Imagine being a the eldest of a family of 5 or 6 kids. Imagine being at a crossroads you have no control over. Imagine being the soul caretaker for all your siblings. Now imagine, they are all going somewhere else. A place where you can't be, watch or protect them. Imagine not knowing how long that 'somewhere' was going to be in control of your life. Imagine being at those crossroads. For all of the people out there who say "I can't believe those kids would even want to go back to their families." This is why. Their life, more  likely than not, is more than their parent(s) they are striving to get back to. How unfair that kids get put into situations they never asked for and on top of being pulled from how they know how to live, they are getting pulled from who they've learned to love, who they've learned to protect. This is why kids go back. These kids deserve a place where they can barrel into that crossroads together. They should get the opportunity to go down that path of grieving, healing, growing with their arms connected at the elbows. Imagine being a foster kids who is also a foster sibling.

As parents, it's our responsibility to prepare our youth for making these crossroad decisions. As kids, it's their responsibility to make the wrong decision, learn from it and be able to move on. Kids in foster care often don't have time to learn because they are just surviving from one path to the next. Making it work until they don't have to anymore, unfortunately, sometimes that's never. Sibling groups often get separated because families can’t take in 6 kids at a time. Those are the kids I want in my home and in my heart. They have been my long term goal. Here I am, at a crossroads, where my ability to care for these youth in tandem with homestead dream is put on hold for another year. Not the end of the world, really, but a hard realization for me that sibling groups and foster farm animals will have to keep surviving. I have to keep surviving too. I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of others.

We have to trust ourselves. It's hard to know which part of ourselves to trust when each side is pulling equaling at me. But, we have to be able to wholeheartedly know that we do the best we know how to do. What we put ourselves through in the past has molded us to be able to take on our own future. I have to trust that even though I am racked with guilt about not having foster kids for a couple months, and sibling groups for another year, that this crossroad is preparing me for what is to come. Sometimes what needs to come next is simply, ourselves. I need to be fully adaptable, healthy and strong enough to support whatever comes next.