Journaling.
I'm just going to start writing. It's been a couple of weeks. I'm sorry about that. That's me assuming that you not having a blog of mine to read has negatively impacted your life. Ha. Not likely. Blogging for me has been a tremendous kind of therapy. When I sit and methodically try to write out what I've experienced in my life, I have to actually stop and think about what I am trying to say. One of the mandatory things kids have to do when they enter my home is journaling. Every human has a fresh new journal (I tend to figure out their favorite color before the get here), and we sit, every evening and journal. As a teen I wrote poetry, hundreds of poems. I have them in my basement and dread the day I will sit down and read them. I wrote poetry all the way through college, even had a couple poems published in the university magazine. I dread the day because I have struggled so heavily with depression throughout my life and I know I will want to reach out to that little girl and tell her everything will be ok. One of the beauties of getting older is that we learn how to handle life's difficulties differently. Well, if we are lucky, not everyone gets to this point. But as a child, with gaping hole inside me and little understanding of how to deal with it, having that outlet was a literal lifesaver. I hope, with my humans, it will be the same for them.
I always get push back at the beginning. The humans who have been here longer know what's about to come and they step up in the most beautiful way. For the first couple weeks after my middle human arrived, the other two sat and journaled with her. Not out loud, but in the same room. It was like a community journaling session. It showed structure, it showed acceptance and grace. After a couple weeks, they get used to it and the "fine, I'll write one sentence" turns into a wide eyed, I can't believe I just wrote two pages worth of stuff. There's an astonishment and a hell a lot of pride the first time that happens. I sit and watch the whole time, wondering when the pen will stop, wondering if they even know they are still writing, wondering what in this day triggered them to write more than they ever have in their lives. It's a place for them keep memories like first plane tickets, movie tickets, concerts, cards, notes, anything that holds a precious memory. When my humans are holding onto something for more than a couple days, I tell them to put it in their journal and write about it.
My house is built on trust. To show that I trust my humans and that they can trust me, I leave my journal out. I leave it in my place in the living room. Everyone has their place where they keep their journal and whatever book we are reading together. I have never looked in any of my humans journals and I hope that they haven't looked in mine. But I mean, they're kids so, they probably have (??). After a couple weeks the kids have their spot and can journal independently. I journal in front of my humans and I show any emotion that comes to me. Sometimes I sit and laugh uncontrollably. Sometimes I sit and as I am trying to write, I m crying. I feel it is important for them to see what journaling could be and how it can help because when I am done journaling, I am often done with that emotion, that day, that frustration. I close my journal, take a deep breath, wipe my eyes if I need to and move on. They get to see this and know its OK to feel and it's OK to leave those feelings in the journal.
One day, I was journaling and crying, my middle human asked, "Are you crying because of me?" I looked up and said, Yes. We'd had a really hard day. I continued my journaling, I journaled for minutes and I could feel her stare on my pen, aching to know what I was writing out. When I finished, I put my journal down, stood up and went into the other room to get something. She didn't speak but she was clearly processing and feeling things. The first time I cried journaling in front of her she was concerned and my eldest said "don't worry, she'll be fine." hahaha….I mean, come one…pretty funny. Here's the beauty in this, my humans can see that journaling can morph into a pieces of our being; we change who we are all day long. So our journals should be changing too. That's the way life is and everyone in this house is in a safe place to express that, privately, surrounded by their family. There is something really special about kids giving other kids space to grieve, mourn, feel, process and release, then fully love one another. Loving doesn't mean that we sit and talk about it, loving means that maybe one of us had a really hard day and we just need to be, without explanations or expectations.
One of the things that parents are really bad at is forcing kids to tell us what's wrong. As an adult, I know that sometime I don't even know what the hell is wrong with me or maybe I just don't want to talk to anyone because I'm not ready! Sometimes kids aren't ready. We have a family statement, it doesn't matter what is going on, someone gets to say "I need space" and they get just that. We drop what we are saying and doing and everyone gives that person space for as long as they need. In this way, I try to de-escalate the situation before it gets bad. Giving kids time to cool down and process what is going on is much better than stepping in and screaming or trying to get to the bottom of it. Don't get me wrong, I yell, I am somewhat human. I also give myself timeouts, I get to need space, too and the same rules apply, leave me alone! Parents get to walk away - it's ok for kids to see this. The important part is coming back and explaining how you were feeling and why in a slow, calm manner. This teaches them how to stop, think, process and continue. Life gets to go one and we can pick up where we left off with no judgement or grudges; that part of our story is over and we move on, together.
It's hard to start a process with kids who either don't want to partake or are nervous about what they are about to endeavor on. Below are a couple of articles about helping kids learn how to journal. If you're not currently journaling, it can help you too! Make it into a family thing, everyday for 5 minutes everyone sits down and writes out their day and feelings. This normalizes journaling and makes it less awkward for them, if all family members take part. Have a list of questions prepared to help your kids start to process what to write about. If you have small kids, ask them to draw a picture each night, date it and put it in a folder for them. Journaling is a lifelong, healthy, coping skill that we can teach our kids to love. One of my favorite parts of my humans journaling is the first night they decide to look back and reread what they've written, what they lived through. It's OK to remember and to heal at the same time.
