I am having a hard time.

I am having a hard time; unfortunately, it is not uncommon for me. I have struggled with depression my whole life. Being older and understanding my disease better, I have the ability to reflect back and see situations through a different lense. Though, I still have not figured out how to reflect those situations forward. I assume that all the experiences, doubts, hills and valleys would lay out some sort of path for me. On that path, would lay little pieces of Gobstopper Valentine hearts to remind me to slow down, observe where I am going and ask myself “Why am I even going there?”. Alas, here I am, late thirties, no candy hearts, no pink ribbons, balloons, fires or anything to remind me that I am about to go down the same old path. So, here I so, spiraling downward into a self doubting, unloving, sad, sometimes angry and lost human

You all don’t know my life that well yet. When I fill you in on how beautiful it is you will wonder how I can even feel so down. I still wonder this, too, but right now this is where I am, in a place that frustrates me and probably more so the people around me. Tis is a place where I feel inefficient at work, home and socially. It doesn’t typically last long, a couple days to a week. I am about 5 days in right now, so in the next day or two, I know I will wake with a lighter head, heart and feeling less turbulent.

And today, I started this post two days ago) was that day. I woke up to my lazy pitbull Breck, coffee in my favorite mug and a crisp fall morning. I opened the back door to let Breck out and bam. The cool air took my breath away, glazed over my eyes and led me back to OK. The sun rose and I have a burst of energy which leads me to making homemade soup, bread and apple crisp with whipped cream. I listen to music, dance in my kitchen with my humans and take a nap. This hard time has passed. I tell myself next time I will remember when I start feeling this way, that I will stop it, control it and be more focused. But those thoughts pass quickly as my dinner table is filled with laughter, school friends, a warm meal and very happy hearts.