Fostering.

I am often asked "How do you do it?" in regards to fostering, specifically teenagers. If you haven't had the chance to read my post about my path to humans, take a couple minutes to do that. Fostering is not for the faint but with my foot in my mouth I also think that most anyone with some sense and empathy could do it. Maybe not. I guess there is a certain drive in people who take in other people's kids. Don't get me wrong, there are some bad, bad foster homes out there. My humans have told me stories that make me sick. For anyone to take kids who are already in pain and exacerbate it, those people are awful, they should be criminals and imprisoned.

With that message out in the universe, I'd also like to note that not all of us are bad. Not all of us are in it for the million dollar paychecks and stress free lifestyle. Fostering is my favorite low paying job I've ever had it's also the hardest. I take this job just as seriously as my day job, that actually provides me a living. Fostering isn't a joke and these kids need structure and love, not just a place to sleep and eat.

One of my other favorite statements I get are "I could never let the kids go". Well, you may be surprised hear that sometimes, us foster parents know when to say goodbye. We know that these kids have taken what they can from us and that they are ready to go home. Not all going home stories are bad, either. I haven't had a situation through the state where these kids even get to go home. So sometimes our letting go is just preparing them for the next stage they are about to go through. My point being, as a foster parent, loss comes with the deal. This wrinkled, ripped, stained package moves in and if we are lucky we can adhere some strong duct tape and then they go. That's the deal I willingly signed up for. They come, we nurture, they leave. I hope that what they have learned in my home will stick to them and assist them through their teenage lives into adulthood.

I recently read a post titled "How a Foster Parent Moves on after Losing a Foster Child". The title alone caused me to do a double take, losing? No, I don't fully agree with that statement. My issue with it is that we know, as adults who have said "yes, give me the kids that need the most help" what we are doing. We need to be able to process for ourselves the way we do for these kids. Every situation is different, of course and when foster kids leave, it is really fucking hard, that’s no secret. Particularly when you know there's more that they needed from you and your family.

One of the hardest parts I have learned thus far is knowing that it is actually ok to let these kids go. GASP, I know, how unmotherly, rude and selfish I must sound. I would never let my own kids go how could I let these kids go? They aren't my kids. While they are in my home they are fully my kids, a part of my family, included in every detail of my life because they deserve to have all of my attention and love. At some point, I need to recharge, just like any parent would, because I give everything I have to them. I also take everything I can from them, their pain, hurt, memories, their broken-confused hearts, their lost souls and I try turn that into purpose, closure, healing and love. Their pain is my pain. Their tears are my tears. Their hate is my hate. Their abandonment is my abandonment. All of that, is exhausting. It's mind draining, heart burning exhausting. So yes, I know how to let go.

My mental health is key to their success in my home. I've learned that if I can't be at my best then I can't help these kids find their best. That's how us foster parents know it's ok to let kids go. The ultimate hope is that when they go, though I am filled with their hate, despair, pain and abandonment is that they leave me with a lighter heart, less guilt, move self-worth and in a better looking package than what they came in with.