Decisions.
Making decisions is one of the hardest parts of being an adult. Kids make decisions all the time too, but as you get older, the grace you’re given about your decision making starts to deplete. What begins to happen is how much grace we give to ourselves after all the bantering from outsiders, “Do you think you made the right decision? Are you going to fix it? Did you know this was going to happen? Did you try this, and this and this beforehand?”
Yes, I made the right decision, no I can’t fix it, no I’m not a mind reader and yes, I’ve tried everything in my knowledge and power before coming to this conclusion.
“Are you sure?”
Well, now I’m not. Since you’re clearly the expert in my life, maybe you can tell me how to make better decisions. I mean, if the weight of it can go to someone else for awhile, I’m all for that. Good luck taking on the snarky comments or eye rolls.
My life has been three years of chaos. Three years of back talking, smart mouthing and other inconsiderate behaviors based on my decision making. All of my decisions which have centered, wholeheartedly, around a little girl and what is best for her. They have nothing to do with you, if you’re reading this, you know exactly who you are and shame on you.
I’ve struggled a lot with this. People who have opinions but who refuse to ask questions, participate or even remotely understand what is going on. How does anyone think they can do it better in this exact situation? I do things wrong and make mistakes all the time, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big, constantly overflowing bucket of ‘oops’.
It’s hard when when we start to realize that people we assumed had been good for us our whole lives are actually toxic. We start to learn that they have been adding more anxiety than support, strain than strength, dismissal than love. It’s a difficult thing to reconcile with, and something I try to teach my humans when they come to me; that sometimes the people we love the most hurt us in ways that are unimaginable.
That hurt, coming from someone so close to us, is exceptionally hard to process or even comprehend. My mentoring of these young souls has helped to begin guiding myself as well. Yes, my little minions, listen to your heart, do what is good for you, if something hurts that means it hurts and no one can tell you any differently. It’s what we do with that pain that matters. I need to do this, too.
It is so true, the saying “Easier said than done.” Everyday. Everyday I wish I would take my own advice and figure out how to move forward. Everyday I wish I knew what exactly to say at any given moment to myself. Everyday I hesitate on the decisions I have to make and ultimately the ones I know I need to make.
I am making decisions for my humans, at my job, my dog, my house, my finances and only within the past few years have learned how to make decisions for me. For my sanity and for my heart. I am finding that these are the decisions people react to the strongest. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because they realize making decisions for me means they no longer get a seat at my table. A table that once supported them in their times of need.
What I continue to preach to my humans every single day is that we have to assume people are doing the best that they know how to do in this particular moment. Along side that, if someone isn’t giving you the same respectful assumption but in return doubt and pain, then maybe we need a break from those people so we can focus on what is good for us. The people we love, aren’t always good for us and minimizing their toxicity is the hardest decision to make and by far the hardest lesson to learn.